Sunday, 8/22
8:19am
Well. Yesterday was fuckin profound. I feel new. I feel a new side to me being fostered and connected..I feel a new sense of balance. Let me tell you how this went down.
So all week I’ve been planning on taking three grams of mushrooms on Saturday night. I muscle tested myself multiple times to make sure I felt a strong positive within my body to go on this journey.
And all week I was preparing myself for a sense of loss of control and ego death and whatnot- that’s what happens when you invite in the *medicinal healing of psilocibin, right?
*I should probably make the note here that this post isn't me telling you to go out and take a bunch of mushrooms so that you can change your life. Yes, psilocibin is an incredible healing ally for humans many indigenous cultures, healers, doctors, and researchers recommend and use. But if you aren't already in the practice of sitting with your darkness and facilitating your own ego death, I do not recommend ever doing this alone. If this is calling to you though, do your own research! Paul Stamets is a great person to begin with.
Saturday morning I woke up early so I could connect in meditation to prepare for my journey later that night.
While in meditation, I connected with a being called Synkawetcha. When we met, I got this sense we’ve worked together before. He was a guide who has helped me in ceremony in my past life as an Amazonian shaman. He’s an intellect/botanist/researcher/scientist type.
I drew him out- he was relatively small with large, heavy lidded eyes, two slits for a nose, four long gangly fingers, two long legs with feet almost like a frog, and colored spots on his skin. He had a kind, knowing face.
He told me to look for him when I begin my trip. He said he would help me find the dragon called Mintet, who would guide me in facing my fears. He showed me her image and I tapped into her energy so that I could return to her again- she felt warm with a reddish purple aura. I drew her out, too.
At one point in my morning, I was making myself food in my kitchen and I opened Instagram. The first thing I saw was a post about Aubrey Marcus’ “Fit For Service” retreat, which was all about the divine masculine. As I watched, something in me bubbled up.
Divine masculine. This was something I did not feel strongly within myself. What does it even mean? Being competitive and aggressive? I don’t know.. The thought of going on a retreat like that felt supremely uncomfortable, and yet something in me wanted it so badly. To connect with the divine masculine within.
I started to cry, realizing I had turned my back on this piece of me. I couldn’t put my finger on why. And all of a sudden, I had a feeling where my journey would take me later that day.
My day goes on. I go to work and come home. Home! I’m finally home. It’s time.
My husband, Mana ground the mushrooms up, we soaked them in lemon juice, and brewed a tea. We blessed ourselves, our tea, our home, and we drew cards. After about twenty minutes, I was already starting to feel shroomy, so I suggested we go to your bedroom and listen to a Joe Dispenza meditation on blessing our 7 energy centers, or chakras.
Ok- I HIGHLY recommend anyone to listen to this sort of meditation during a come up. It was visceral. And blissful. And exactly what we both needed.
In my meditation, I saw Joe’s face. I watched it morph, and all of a sudden I drew the connection- his face strongly resembled the one of the being I had sat with that morning! Those same heavy lidded eyes, that kind, kind of goofy smile. All of a sudden, it clicked. I had found him and he was already in the process of guiding me.
The meditation finished with our 7th energy center behind and between our eyes. Our third eye. This is where I met the dragon. I felt her warmth. I climbed on and we were almost ready to go- except my human REALLY had to pee. I hopped off and promised her I’d come back soon.
After our meditation finished, we both felt very, very good. I felt like my head was three times the size of my body and as if I was floating/swimming through my apartment, rather than walking. A wonderful idea popped into my head- I’d take a bath.
I set up what would soon become my medicine space. I lit a candle, grabbed my amethyst crystal, lit blue fairy lights which surrounded my bathtub, and brewed myself a hot glass of water.
In the tub, I submerged myself in the steaming hot water and allowed myself to tune in.
Eventually, I felt back to where I was when I had found the dragon. I searched for her again. Whenever I come across a new being, I double and triple check they are of a higher vibration. So when my astral form eventually came across a dragon, and she checked the box on the higher vibration scale, I had asked her if she was who I was looking for. To my surprise, she told me “No.”
I went around again and searched. When I called upon what I like to think of as her “energy stamp”, which I was now quite familiar with, I returned to the same dragon. I thought, ahhh I know what you did there. When I felt into her energy deeper, I realized I didn’t need to astral project to find this dragon, because she was within me. It was time for my inner journey.
She asked me where I wanted to begin. I told her I wanted to face my picking. Since kindergarten, I’ve picked my skin all over my body- and after a few revelations 8 months ago, I understood why I did it. I didn’t need to face “why” anymore, I just wanted to stop.
To this, she handed me a praying mantis. The praying mantis was beautiful and delicate. She showed me what I had known- this internal battle within me of being afraid of being beautiful (because it = unsafe) combined with the fear of not being beautiful (because it = rejection). She showed me how none of it lasted, and that beauty is a game of concern for humans, not souls. It was another form of remembering.
Then, the praying mantis started to jump over my astral body. I knew she wanted to bite or stab me, and my astral form reached around to catch her. I quickly realized it was impossible- she was too fast and I was wasting my time. I surrendered and let her inject her venom into me.
I watched my body wither and decay under her poison. At first, my human/ego recoiled at this image and wanted out. I heard a voice telling me to stay, and so I surrendered deeper. At the end of it, I realized the body was no longer there, and yet I was still here. I was still a pure, glowing, infinite soul. I was safe. And I was beautiful. I understood.
I sat with this realization for a little bit. By now, my body was uncomfortably warm. I extended my legs outside of the tub, but I heard a voice tell me, “No. You must sweat. You must purge. Lean into this discomfort and see what you find.” I sat up, drank my hot water, which I now viewed as my purging medicine, and sank back into the water.
I asked the dragon for more. She showed me a group of people who I used to be friends with. We had had a falling out, and we were no longer in each other’s lives. Yet, they were often on my mind. Recently, I had sent them text messages of love and admiration, and had gotten no replies.
My dragon guide asked me what I felt and believed from these lack of responses. I felt rejected. I felt unworthy. I believed I was someone who did more harm than good. I believed I was hurting more than I was able to help- a healer’s worst nightmare.
I felt my darkness looming in. I invited her in. I felt the presence of these lost friends, and I felt one more person step in. My sister’s ex boyfriend. Someone whom I’ve seen as a true villain in mine and my family’s life. Someone I’ve spent a good deal of energy on hating and fighting, but eventually on trying to forgive and find love for.
So I had these three people in front of me- people whom I believed I’ve hurt more than helped. I wondered why, out of all the other humans I’ve had conflict with in this life, were they at my forefront.
I felt one last presence step in. It’s a presence I feel often in my readings. One of unconditional love and compassion and infinite creation and destruction. Pure Source frequency. Source faced all four of us and I felt a warm, loving, motherly embrace wrap around all of us.
I remembered we are all One. I was told to search for the common denominator. The meaning behind their presence right there was more than our conflicts. We all had something deeper in common.
It hit me like an arrow to the heart. The divine masculine. Our fathers. Neither of us had our fathers there when we needed them most.
The tears spilled out of me. I quietly sobbed with this realization. Of course! My mind turned to the tears I had spilled earlier that day. Of course I had turned my back on the divine masculine within me- because I’ve felt more of his absence than his presence in my life. I felt he had turned his back on me when I needed him most and I felt more hurt and rejected by him than helped.
I gave myself the space to cry and grieve with this realization. I let it all flow through me. I held myself as I felt as if I was turning myself inside out. Raw and vulnerable. I sat up and drank my sweat-inducing “medicine” water so that it could further facilitate this purge.
What I really wanted was a hug from Mana. But no, I heard my dragon guide call me back. She told me I had a little more work to do. I obediently sunk back down into the water, closed my eyes, and listened.
I started to see a different set of familiar faces. Mr. Dubè, my grade school religion teacher who had become a personal training client last year, and who now felt like a good friend and mentor. My father-in-law, Donald, who is one of the most beautiful, loving, caring souls I’ve met. He was there for me during a hard time in my life. I saw my current manager, who’s always been loving and kind to me. I’ve done a reading for him before, and witnessed his infinite love for his daughters and his purpose of showing them higher love. And, of course, I saw my Mana’s face. My husband who’s shown me unconditional love and loyalty. There aren’t enough words to explain the healing love has done for me in this lifetime and my past ones. In my past life regressions, he’s often shown up and saved me from a darker fate.
I watched more faces of loving, kind men pass by me. I understood. I was being shown my belief was wrong- the divine masculine had not deserted me. He had shown up for me in different ways again and again. Finally, the faces slowed down to the face of my abuelo, my mom’s father.
A new realization: my abuela, his wife, has been a consistent guide in my life, but my abuelo was not. I’ve been learning in small snips from my mom that my abuelo was not a great man or father. And guess what- he too was not there for my mom when she needed him most. My mom carries this wound with her to this day, and I know this wound is also my own.
I leaned into the presence of my abuelo. I felt his remorse. I felt his love and admiration for us. I understood. I pulled him in and I forgave him. I can feel him now as I’m writing this- it’s new but also very familiar.
Finally, I knew I was done with my sweat bath journey. I got up and dried myself off. I felt lighter and very vulnerable. As I walked to my closet to put clothes on, I felt a new wave hit me. I heard a voice tell me I wasn’t done. It’s great I forgave my mom’s father, but I knew I had my own to forgive.
I sat back down on my bed and allowed this information to bubble to the surface. I haven’t spoken to my dad since… I think February or March. It’s been about 6 months. 2021 has been a year of deep healing for me, and I know I have this strong desire to forgive him, but I haven’t known where to even begin.
As I closed my eyes and allowed this next vision to take over, I saw an image of my dad as a child. I saw dark entities swirling around him. I understood. He has childhood wounds wrapped around his heart as well. Wounds of rejection and feeling unwanted and alone. It’s perpetuated across this life like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I reached for him, and all of a sudden thick, angry vines wrapped around him and pushed me away. I looked for the source, and found an entity which was my stepmother. You can probably tell from my verbiage she’s not my favorite person. She’s been a source of a lot of pain, betrayal, and rejection in my life, too.
I pushed past her weeds and reached for my dad. I wrapped him up and told him I can take him somewhere safe. But then, I had to stop. I realized my stepmom isn’t an entity- she’s a human, and if she’s a fractal of Source, then she’s a part of me too. She doesn’t have to be lost or remain as a darkness in my heart.
I put my hands on her and felt her pain. I remembered her story. Her family’s escape from a full, flourishing life in Cuba. They lost everything they had built, and several family members. She was just a little girl, and she was swept up from her life to run from the ravenous, murderous monster that was Castro’s communist government. I now understand her actions as ones of self-service and protection. She’s lived her life in constant fear and has believed her actions will keep her and her own safe from her monsters. She’s lived much of her life from her trauma of feeling helpless and unsafe.
With this realization, I felt compassion and love for her. I felt her angry vines disappear. I saw a little girl. I watched her family wrap their arms around her and pull her in. I knew she was safe.
I turned to the little boy that is my own dad, and scooped him up. I held him close and told him how loved he is. I told him I understand he didn’t have a father who embodied or taught him the ways of the divine masculine, and that it’s not his fault. Although this side of me is very new, like a budding seed, I told him we could learn together.
Finally, I felt forgiveness wash through my like a cool stream of water. I know this is only the beginning, but I know it’s a big one. I feel lighter than I’ve felt in years.
In this journey, I didn’t feel the sense of loss of control or ego death I had anticipated. I felt held and supported through every realization. I realize I’m constantly walking myself through ego deaths in my sober, everyday life. So my ego was used to this, and I knew how to be there for my ego, who is in-fact my inner child. The mushrooms were my ally, my therapist, my guide. They helped me find my wholeness within myself.
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